Life Changes After Pregnancy

What people really mean when they say “It all changes when you have kids”

Whether this is your third pregnancy or the third week of your first pregnancy, you’ve heard it a million times already: “Your life will change when that baby comes”. And it’s true, of course – but then, you don’t need me to tell you that.

What you might not hear, though, is how, exactly, your life will change. You know about the broken nights, the myriad nappies and the endless rounds of feeding. What you maybe don’t realize until later are the ways in which having a baby leaves you with a peculiarly askew view on life. Here, then, are the top 10 ways in which pregnancy and parenthood turn things into life through the looking glass:

1. You see a paperclip on the floor next to the office photocopier and bend down to pick it up before someone chokes on it. Whilst you’re feeling safety-conscious, you push the kettle far back onto the counter so that it can’t be knocked over and move all the breakables into a higher cupboard away from clumsy fingers.

1. You discover someone’s put raspberry leaf tea into the kitchen cupboard at work and immediately start wondering who’s pregnant. When sidelong glances at your colleagues’ midsections don’t bring any clarity, you bring in a sheaf of baby photos to figure out who’s hormonal enough to sit through them.

1. You find yourself sizing up any man with a slight paunch and wondering how many weeks’ pregnant he is. Most man-bumps tend to wobble around the 25-weeks mark, but bonus points are awarded for blokes who look like their next stop should be the labour ward/are definitely carrying twins.

1. Your outfit choices are determined not by fashion (as if!)  but by ease of pulling on in the morning and their fabric’s ability to wick stains from any conceivable bodily fluid.

1. You decide what to have for lunch (in itself a rarity) based on whether or not you’ll be able to eat it one-handed whilst changing a nappy and turning the pages of “A Very Hungry Caterpillar”. Even a leaf looks like a good lunch option from where you are right now.

1. A friend tells you they were up at 8am on a Saturday and you congratulate her on her lie-in before realizing she’s complaining about her early start. In a similar vein, 11pm has come to symbolize “a very late night” rather than” just about time to finish this vodka tonic before hitting the clubs”.

1. You bump into Neil Morrissey on a rare night out on the town and tell him how much you love Bob the Builder without even thinking of his roles as an adult. Men Behaving Badly? Is that outtakes from the live show?

1. You pass a poster of a scantily-clad babe brimming over her bikini and two things pop into your mind: “She’ll freeze up there on that billboard dressed like that!” and “her boobs look ready to burst – the baby must be due a feed”.

1. Crossing the road after a business lunch, you automatically grab your boss’s hand to stop him running into the traffic. At least you (barely) restrained yourself from wetting the corner of your napkin and wiping clean his mouth at the end of the meal.

1. Driving to the movies, you spot a cat sitting on a fence and turn excitedly to your husband: “Look, darling! A kitty!” Strangely, he’s not as thrilled as your toddler passenger normally is.