May I Have This Dance?

At the moment of birth a child’s nervous system is not completely formed. It will develop as it comes into contact with its environment. That environment begins with contact with its mother and the quality of the first experiences between a mother and child can determine the level of attachment between the two.

May I have this dance?
Words by Debbie Orme

When my daughter was only a few days old, I vividly remember picking her up one afternoon, cradling her against my heart, with her head on my shoulder and dancing gently around the room to the strains of Donny Osmond singing ‘No matter what’. As we moved slowly around the room, with me singing gently along, two things happened. Firstly, after several hours of crying with colic, my daughter fell asleep in my arms. Secondly, I felt a special moment had just occurred; one in which my daughter and I had shared an increased togetherness. I’ve never forgotten it.

Recently, I read an article which described the first few days of a child’s life with its mother as a ‘dance’. At first I was a bit sceptical about this, but the more I thought about it, the more appropriate the image seemed. From birth, mother and child are involved in what could be termed a ‘dance’ in which they both go through positive and negative experiences. It is well known that the behaviour of the mother can radically affect the brain and body of her baby – the endocrine system, the growth of the hormones and the development of its heart. Likewise, the child can influence the behaviour and mood of its mother. The ‘dance’ in which the two take part, allows them to communicate. 

Communication between mother and child occurs even before baby comes into the world. As the baby’s hormones travel through the umbilical cord towards the mother’s body, indicating to her when the moment of birth is imminent, a whole series of programmed responses are required by the mother, whose body reacts by creating contractions and stimulating the production of milk. The communication channels are well and truly open.

Similarly, during the first few days spent with a new child, it’s often a baby’s tears, which cause the greatest upset and worry for the new parents. Paradoxically, however, there is no need for worry, as tears are the child’s only way of communicating its needs. The majority of mothers are able to immediately understand these signals and respond to them. Mothers seem to have a type of instinct, which allows them to forget their own needs, such as eating or sleeping, to take care of their child. In response to her child’s tears, therefore, the mother responds to her child’s needs by feeding, soothing and comforting it.

Heart to heart

When two people dance closely together, we say that they are dancing ‘cheek to cheek’. For a mother and her baby, we could say that they are dancing ‘heart to heart’. The heart is more than a simple device for pumping blood. It plays an essential role in the social and emotional functioning of a child. The proximity of a child to its mother’s heart can allow it to find a familiar sense of calm and a physical security, both of which will reassure it.

Moreover, the heart produces a hormone, which reduces stress and has an effect on the nerve centres of the brain, increasing the appetite weight gain, sleep and breathing. When a child is held against its mother, their hearts synchronise perfectly. The result is that, if the mother is worried, and her heart is beating rapidly, her baby’s heart will do the same. If she is calm, and her heart beats slowly, baby will gradually calm down to adapt itself to its mother’s rhythm.

Skin to skin

Close contact between a child and its parents is never more important than in the first few days. Nature has given men and women a particular attraction to the face of their child. That may be why babies are blessed with rosy cheeks, soft skin and large eyes; all features, which provoke in the parents a need to kiss, cuddle and look with love at the face of their child. In turn, the child converts that look of love into a deep feeling of confidence and of wellbeing, which underpins the fundamentals of mental health and of future relationships with others.

With a song in my heart

Just as I did that day with my daughter, singing quietly to a child is one of the simplest methods of calming any upset. You don’t need to be Elton John to sing to a child – I’m certainly no singer – but my daughter responded almost immediately to this gesture. Studies have shown that singing quietly to a child will soothe it and, in soothing the child, its heart rate slows down, its digestive and respiratory functions are improved and any congestion decreases. All positive effects.

Pleasant surroundings

Creating an atmosphere of peace and comfort for both mother and child begins even before baby is born. Over the last few years there have been major efforts to make labour suites in many hospitals more appealing and pleasant for mothers. Coloured walls and comfortable surroundings have replaced the previously austere appearance of the units and it’s all been done, in effect, to put the mother in a calm, positive frame of mind, which will not only benefit her psychologically, but will ensure that her baby comes into the world in a similar psychological state.

Birth and the first few days of a child’s life will have a great impact on its physical, social, emotional and psychological wellbeing. New parents, who allow this natural and amazing music to develop, will find a rhythm for life and change, which can be compared to a dance; a waltz, in which the mother and the child know the steps instinctively.