If you read my post last week, you’ll have realised I am in the process of moving house.
In fact, I should have been moved by now, but these things rarely run to schedule.
It’s with mixed emotions that I approach this move. It has been my decision to make a new home following the breakdown of my marriage – albeit forced by financial pressures – but it still won’t be easy. I was pregnant with my daughter when we moved here, she took her first steps here, said her first word and filled the house with the chaos only a child can bring. Three and half years later, we brought her brother home to this house where I expected him to do the same.
But it was never to be.
It was never going to be our ‘forever home’ and plans were already afoot to move somewhere bigger with a proper garden and space to grow up and grow old together. Instead I find myself moving somewhere smaller and in circumstances I never imagined. F won’t remember this house and maybe I won’t either, and that does sadden me, as I welcomed them into it with such joy and anticipation for all of our futures.
But, despite this, I do know it’s for the best – for all of us. To begin with, it’s a chance to make a new start because, for all the happy memories I have of here – and there are lots of them – this house also feels haunted. Haunted by a missing presence, a nearly family life – all the Christmases, birthdays and Saturday nights in front of the telly that will now never happen.
But also, it’s because I know that my daughter feels it too.
I can see in her face that she too, for a split second, expects to see another face at the dinner table, another parent in the bed, another pair of wellies in the back porch.
So it’s time to look ahead and move on. Time to make new memories and to build a new home and a life filled with laughter. And, whilst it is inevitable that there will a great sense of sadness and loss when I close the door on this house for the final time, I know I will experience a great excitement when I open the new one. After all, things can only get better for me and my little family.