Mummy, Why Does Your Tummy Look Funny?

Words by Danielle McLaughlin

A friend had her four children in quick succession, with barely breathing space between her pregnancies. Happily pregnant with baby number four, she decided it was time to tell her eldest, then almost five, the joyful news that another little brother or sister was on the way. Warm in the glow of anticipated delight, she explained that the family was going to get another baby. Her first- born, looking up briefly from his colouring pencils, asked in a somewhat world- weary tone, ‘Haven’t we got enough?’

Funny perhaps, but not exactly the unequivocal endorsement she might have hoped for. This incident serves as a reminder that older children may have their own views on the imminent arrival of a new baby. Best then to tread gently when breaking the good news. Remember that very young children may not understand the concept of Mummy being pregnant, or of getting a new brother or sister, so take time to explain carefully. Make sure they understand, for example, that it is not like getting a new dishwasher: a case of out with the old and in with the new. Imagine the consternation of a colleague when, during her second pregnancy, her three-year-old asked if they could get a new baby from the hospital but still keep her!  Reassure your child that he or she is as loved and important as ever – don’t assume that it goes without saying.

Another woman I knew, concerned at how her here-to-fore only child might react to news of another baby on the way, was pleasantly surprised when he seemed to take it all in his stride. That all changed one morning at breakfast, when he enquired as to who the new baby’s parents would be, at which point all hell broke loose. New babies were all very well, it seemed, as long as they brought their own Mum and Dad with them. Some things just weren’t for sharing! Explain to your older child how the new baby will fit into the family structure, how he or she is about to become a big brother or a big sister, and talk about the importance of this new role.

Here are a few practical suggestions on how to involve older children in your pregnancy:

• Try and be the first to tell them the news, rather than letting them hear it late in your pregnancy in the playground, or from neighbours. Why not give them a starring role by allowing them to be the ones to tell friends and relatives?
• Emphasise the fact that this is not just your baby, but their brother or sister.
• Talk about the benefits of siblings; about what might change – will they be sharing a bedroom, for example – and about what will stay the same; how you will still be able to do special things together.
• Put their hand on your tummy and let them feel the baby kicking
• Get them involved in decorating the baby’s room. Let them help dust down their old baby things to be shared with the new baby. Be careful here, as they may have an emotional attachment to certain items. If they really don’t want to hand over those favourite bunny pyjamas even though they no longer fit, don’t press the point.
• Buy an entertaining children’s book about pregnancy. ‘There’s a house inside my Mummy’ (from Orchard Books) is particularly good.

When explaining about your pregnancy, the question arises as to exactly how much detail children need. Under no circumstances should you resort to tales of storks, cabbage patches or friendly matrons at the hospital generously doling out little pink and blue bundles. Be honest and, when deciding how much information to impart, be guided by the sort of questions asked by your child. Start with a little information, simply presented, but be ready to expand on your answers should your child come back with more questions. Don’t fob your child off due to awkwardness on your part – instead, praise them for taking an interest.

Finally, on the day when baby makes that much-awaited appearance, ensure that older children also stay centre stage. Let them introduce the baby to visitors and consider giving them some photos to show off at school or crèche. Some particularly thoughtful newborns have even been known to bring gifts for their brothers and sisters; a much-appreciated gesture that helps speed their way into their siblings’ affections, celebrating the joyful start of what will be one of the most important relationships of their lives.