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So what do you do if your partner utters those dreaded words? The likelihood is you will not have heard them in the calm of an atmospherically-lit sitting-room, glass of wine in hand, soothing music playing in the background. It is far more likely you heard them while standing in your grubby dressing-gown, harried and bleary-eyed, a howling child on your shoulder. Or while struggling red-faced to strap a squirming baby into a car seat. The person, who spoke them, whom you once lovingly described to your friends as your ‘soul-mate’ or ‘The One’, may be standing across from you, equally red-faced and sleep deprived. Those accusations of change may even, dare I suggest it, have been prompted by a few choice utterances of your own, spoken in the heat of the moment.

There is no doubt that, as human beings, we run scared from change. ‘Change’, we think, is a bad thing, and so we toss the word out as an insult. We refuse to accept the changes time brings to our faces and bodies, spending a fortune on the latest age-defying magic potions. Is it any wonder then that we are so afraid of change in our relationships?

It is just possible of course that the words may have been offered as a compliment. You may be one of a minority of parents, who slip into parenthood as if into a comfortable new skin, revelling in your new-found sense of purpose, blossoming in your new role. If so, well, congratulations. It is more likely though that ‘you’ve changed’ means that your partner is feeling that something in the dynamic of your relationship is different since you became a parent.

A baby, of course, does change your life. Some changes are small and some are big. Babies consume an enormous amount of your energy. As every waking moment seems to be directed to one of baby’s endless demands, you will wonder what it was you ever did with your time before. There will be very few candlelit dinners, particularly in those early months.

Still, to borrow from Ovid, ‘all things change, nothing perishes.’ You and your partner are still essentially the same people. Try not to take the accusation of change personally. It is an indication of what you still mean to each other that your partner has registered these changes and wants to discuss them, even if perhaps it could have been raised in a more diplomatic way.

Every relationship is different but, for a start, acknowledge that some aspects of your life together have changed since you became parents. Two in the morning with a screaming child in your arms is not the best time to discuss your feelings for each other. Rather than allowing things to escalate into a full blown argument, arrange a time to talk. This might be a good opportunity to call in one of those offers of babysitting. And, if you never use babysitters, it’s time to ask yourself why not. Do you secretly fear that no one other than you is capable of minding your baby for a few hours? Perhaps not even your partner?

If so, it’s time for a re-think. If you monopolise the care of your baby, not only will you end up frazzled and exhausted, but your partner may very well feel excluded. Making an effort to organise time together as a couple will reassure your partner of your commitment to your relationship. True, you may find yourself planning your dates with military precision, particularly if your baby is very young and you are still breastfeeding, but less spontaneity does not have to mean less romance.

The precise impact a baby has on your lifestyle may depend to a certain extent on what your lifestyle was like before. If your social life was a constant whirlwind of pubs, clubs and parties, then your new life together as parents may very well come as something of a shock. One person in a relationship may adapt to this change more easily than the other. To soften the adjustment, try and keep in touch with your friends as much as possible, both as a couple and as individuals.

Making a baby means making changes. Change, though, need not be the bogey man of your relationship. Becoming parents is not about turning your backs on the old life you had together, but about enjoying a new, albeit busier and more demanding, life together with baby. As Darwin discovered all those years ago, it is neither the strongest nor the most intelligent who survive, but those most adaptable to change. Better therefore to embrace the changes that parenthood brings, rather than fearing them. As the saying goes, ‘if nothing ever changed, there’d be no butterflies.’

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Most mums and dads will, at one time or another, have been there. There you are, entertaining at home, everyone sitting around passing the tea and muffins. All lovely, lovely. Then little Jenny drops her toy on her toe. Instead of the usual wailing – and probably in an attempt to seem unruffled in front of her peers – she looks around and, horror of horrors, exclaims ‘Oh s**t, that hurt’.

Granny almost drops her tea. The other parents don’t know WHERE to look and attempt to stifle their giggles, while mummy and daddy are left trying to (a) defend themselves (‘Don’t know where she got that!’) and (b) simultaneously reprimand little Jenny for this misdemeanour!

Sticks and stones, as they say, may break my bones, but words can never hurt me. That is, of course, unless they come from the mouths of babes and my own babe in particular. I’ll never forget the first day my now four-year-old first let me know that the word ‘bum’ was preferable to – and certainly funnier than – bottom. The look of shock on my face was enough for her to see that I was a little taken aback and ‘bum’ was therefore filed away in her ‘Ways to Embarrass My Mummy’ folder.

How could I teach a toddler, who was learning to experiment with language, that some words are better left unsaid?

Why do they do it?

What is it about children and the savage joy they get from being rude? Little ones learn very quickly that being rude gives them a sense of power over adults. They see that certain words will elicit an almost magical response, even when they don’t actually know what those particular words mean.

Most rude expressions in kids will relate to the area below the waist but, in reality, kids are unlikely to know anything about sex. What they do pick up, however, is that saying certain things in public isn’t acceptable…and that makes it exciting. It’s all part of the mysterious world that adults keep secret from kids, which just makes the child want to know more about it. Use of inappropriate words is all part of exerting control and influence over the world and the use of such words has a wonderful way of making things happen.

When the adult response is ‘No, that’s naughty’, then it won’t take long for your kiddie to turn the whole experience into a game. For reasons that at such a young age they really won’t understand, they realise that some words in the language have a strength and power that others don’t have. And, being the age that they are, they begin to push the boundaries and experiment with these words to elicit a response.

And, let’s state the obvious. Young children have an uncanny ability to pick up words—all words—that they hear. In many cases (and we have to admit it), our kids who use mildly rude words such as ‘s**t’ did probably hear it at home. Most children can hear the grass grow and, even though you may think that a ‘naughty word’ has crept out inadvertently at home, you tend to comfort yourself with the fact that they didn’t hear you. Home apart, though, TV, the playground, the street and childcare are also equally guilty. But don’t beat yourself up about it. No matter how much you try to protect them from it, your little angel is at some point going to utter something downright demonic, no matter how much you try to shield them from it.

Parents often think that a four or five-year-old who uses ‘naughty’ words is being malicious, but, in fact, children of this age are naturally fascinated by power and they really just want to experiment with it. The same goes for inappropriate actions. A child only needs to blow wind or ‘poof’ once by accident and have everyone rolling about the place to turn the whole thing into a party piece and file it away for future reference, usually when mum and dad are entertaining!

So what is the best way to deal with it?

Well, first of all it’s vital to remember that overreacting will almost certainly result in an increase in the behaviour, so keep it calm and straight to the point. For example, saying something like, ‘You know we don’t use language like that’ will get the message across an won’t give your child a sense of having waved the magic ‘power wand’. Equally, don’t make a song and dance about it and, above all, difficult and all as it may be, try not to laugh, no matter how strong the urge is!

Your little one’s first cursing/inappropriate language episode may initially seem funny, but don’t laugh. Swearing can get them into big trouble when they go to school, so it’s better to teach them now so they don’t have to suffer the consequences later.

While there are many ways parents can help children avoid bad language, there is no substitute for avoiding it yourself. Trying using alternative exclamations like ‘blast’, ‘goodness’, or ‘for crying out loud’, or silly terms—malarkey, hogwash, which may get your kids to laugh and make them more likely to want to imitate them.

Most children under three won’t comprehend that certain words are unacceptable. Often, ignoring the offence may be the best defence when dealing with the very young. But after their third birthday, they’re more likely to understand that some words are naughty. So take action immediately. Get down on your knees, look your child directly in the eye, and tell him, ‘That’s a word that we don’t use in our family’. Make the words—not the child—the culprit to give him a chance to move away from the behaviour.

If your child persists in using such language, show him you mean business with disciplinary action. For a four-year-old, that may mean a short period of ‘time out’ in their bedroom, or taking away a favourite toy. Kids, who are a little older, would benefit more from time spent in their rooms than the removal of toys.

A head start through play

A child’s early years – the first three in particular – are crucial to brain development. During this period a child’s brain triples in weight and establishes billions of nerve connections. By the age of three, in fact, kids have twice as many nerve connections as a lot of adults. That’s the reason why toddlers are very curious and inquisitive.

It’s also the reason why toddler toys are designed as they are: colourful, bright, loud, with many different textures, shapes, sizes, and are made of different materials. Every aspect of these toys is designed to stimulate and develop a child’s mind.

Years ago, toy manufacturers began making educational toys, which were intended to cover children right through from pre-school to high school. Children were, for the most part, confused by these toys and so their popularity was limited. However, as the years went by, the top educational toy makers started to make better use of research and technology, and have done an excellent job in creating quality educational toys and learning games, which are targeted to a child’s age group and skill level.

These days, with numerous technological advances and a vast range of media outlets, from video games, all-day TV channels, internet access and online entertainment, there’s no doubt that children have a shorter attention span and less ability to concentrate. This leads to children being easily distracted and bored. Educational and traditional toys can often help children to be more patient, increase their focus and concentration, improve their listening skills, filter out distractions, and enhance their memory.

An educational toy does not need to be an expensive item. Sometimes, when parents hear about brain development, they sometimes have the urge to run out and buy new books or toys. An educational toy can be something as simple as a puppet or matching shapes. These toys will all prompt a child to think, but, what can make such activities even more beneficial is when the parent is involved and takes the time to praise the child when he or she is successful.

The most important factor in selecting educational toys for your child is choosing a toy that is appropriate for your child’s age. When selecting a toy, begin by determining your child’s current developmental needs, both emotional and physical. Then, look for educational toys that are appropriate for your child’s stage of development. If, for example, your child is just beginning to learn to focus and grasp things with their hands, then you should go for a toy that develops hand-eye coordination. If, on the other hand, your child has reached toddler age, then toys that focus on stacking and pulling, dressing up and language basics will be more suitable.

By displaying books in your home, you are telling your children that you think books are important, valuable and necessary. Emphasise to your child that books and other reading materials are valuable to them. Show your child how answers to questions can be found by seeking information online, in books, newspapers, magazines etc.  These elements can help to create an environment where reading confidence can develop successfully.

Puzzles have long been a favourite educational toy for both mums and children. Not only can they help improve a child’s problem-solving and reasoning skills, but they can also teach them a variety of topics, such as the alphabet, numbers, colour recognition and shape recognition. Fine motor skills can also be improved; various types of puzzles can help teach little ones to pick up and grasp pieces, so hand/eye coordination is also enhanced.

Building blocks: a perennial favourite. Building blocks and bricks are colourful interlocking plastic bricks, which also come with a variety of accessories that can be assembled in many ways. Building blocks and bricks not only encourage the creative mind to construct various new objects, but the constantly changing building ideas are guaranteed to keep the kids interested.

Musical instruments are brilliant for nurturing emotional intelligence and imagination in children. Musical toys can help children to learn balance and harmony, and their creative minds can be stimulated with interesting melodies and artistic rhythms.

A children’s microscope is a very educational toy. By zooming into various surfaces, it helps children to explore new things in a new way and, even though it won’t provide the higher resolution of an actual microscope, children will be engrossed by what it does. Samples of soil, leaves, water are all fascinating things to put underneath the microscope; the rest is up to your imagination, so the list is endless!

Whichever educational toy you choose to go for, the main point is that education and brain development should never seem monotonous or boring to a child; the joy of learning is an extremely important aspect of brain development. Through educational play, children should be able to explore concepts and generate ideas, and it’s probably fair to say that they will only grasp maximum knowledge when they are enjoying what they are learning. Choosing the most suitable educational toys and games is the best way to combine education and entertainment.

Quick on the draw

From early infancy most children love to draw. Drawing provides them with a way of communicating their moods, ideas and dreams and allows them to express themselves and communicate their feelings. In their artwork many children will portray the people, whom they feel are the most important people in their lives, and the pictures will often provide vital clues as to how they interpret their relationships with other people and, indeed, the outside world.  As with words and games, drawing is a vital tool for self-expression.

As with most things, children’s drawing skills develop in tandem with their mental and motor skills. Their drawings will provide an outlet for how they’re feeling – not just what sort of a mood they’re in – but also how their temperament is developing. While a more aggressive, or even angry child will scribble furiously, a more placid toddler will draw with more careful, slower, more measured movements.

How drawing skills develop

Obviously every child is different, but in general, the following drawing ‘techniques’ apply to the relevant age groups:

12-18 months: Scribbling in long strokes, zigzags and circles, with no attempt to ‘draw’ anything in particular. The child’s eyes will follow the marks it makes on the paper. His hand will stay on the paper at first, until he gains more confidence.

2+: More realism appears as the child tries to draw what he sees and the scribble starts to mean something. Vertical lines will be used more often and horizontal lines and spirals may make an appearance. The child will give his picture a title, or be able to tell you what it is.

3+: Closed circles, suns and round objects are used. The child will begin to work on trying to draw shapes exactly as they seem to him in real life and he will use lots of repetition to try and make his drawing as correct and lifelike as possible. The first faces may appear at this time.

4+: Intellectual realism is utilised, where the child will try to draw what he sees around him as it is really, and not as it looks to him from a particular angle. Whole bodies may be formed now and the child may use transparency as a method – imagining what is inside an object or building and drawing it, for example, a baby in its mummy’s tummy or a chicken in an egg.

5+: More detailed people finally manage to acquire clothing! Geometric shapes are also a feature.

6+: Drawings take on more activity – people are represented ‘doing’ things in different situations.

From the age of six drawings become increasingly realistic. By the age of ten, visual realism becomes the norm, when the child begins to understand perspective and draws the things he sees as he really sees them.

What you can learn from your child’s drawings

Obviously, when it comes to assessing a child, drawings are not taken in isolation. Interpreting children’s drawings is an exact science, which can tell experts a lot about children, but there are a few general guidelines, which provide a useful tool for you to learn more about your child. Some of the assessments, which can be made in general terms, are:

Intelligence: What your child draws, and how well it draws it, can be a good sign of how intelligent they are. If you ask a child to draw a house and a man, for example, you can gain a lot of insight from the detail on the faces, the presence (or absence) of arms and hands, and the detail on the front of the house.

Personality: How and what a child draws can speak volumes about its personality. Very shy or inhibited children will refuse point blank to draw, or will draw empty shapes; while schizophrenic children will often draw doubles of the same object or person.

How you can help your child communicate

Children’s pictures are instinctive and are generally made for their own pleasure, rather than to create something ‘pretty’ for other people. Since they use art as a means of letting you know how they feel, it’s a good idea to join in with this communication process. Talking to your child about the pictures is the best form of providing an outlet for something that your child wants to talk about. ‘That’s a lovely picture’ is great for a child’s confidence but makes the conversation more ‘closed’. Talking about the picture provides a more ‘open’ form of discussion, allowing the child to talk about what they’ve done. Try talking ‘around’ the picture to find out what it might mean. You could, for example, ask why Mummy is on a balloon in the middle of the sea!

When you should worry

In most cases, a child’s drawings simply provide a colourful backdrop to many kitchens, but they can also, on occasion, be a cry for help. Drawing can be a release or emotional outlet for any child, who is unhappy, or who is perhaps suffering following a trauma. Many child psychologists will ask traumatised children to draw an experience, which may allow them to develop their imagination and allow them to express their pain. It also gives the child an opportunity to imagine what may happen in the future, and provides a form of escapism. A child, who previously enjoyed drawing and who now wants to stop, may need counselling to help them cope with certain events.

Here are a few signs to look out for in your child’s drawings, which can sometimes point to problems:

*      A general impression of unhappiness and nastiness, which is constantly present
·                     Parts of the body, which are regularly omitted
·                     Squinty or slitty eyes
·                     Very dark drawings, or excessive shading
·                     Tiny drawings crammed into a small area
·                     A refusal to draw, or destroying drawings

Don’t panic, however! There are several features of children’s pictures, which can often be worrying to parents, but which are actually very normal. Violent scenes, for example, which don’t reflect reality, are part of any child’s imagination, while the drawing of genitals, which can sometimes appear at the age of three or four, show that a child may be becoming aware of its own body and sexuality. These are normal stages in developing, but if you are concerned that their drawings are becoming obsessive, or are over-repeated, then you may wish to speak to your GP or health visitor.