The Guilt Trip

Guilt will always be a part of the mothering landscape, but it doesn’t have to dominate it.
(Julie Ann Barnhill)

Talk to any young mother today and one word is bound to come up – guilt. The guilt trip for many women often begins the moment that their pregnancy is confirmed. But what is behind these feelings? And why does guilt follow us through our journey into motherhood?

The guilt trip

On the day that I discovered I was pregnant I had spent that morning sitting up a ladder, painting a wall and inhaling the fumes. I had had a glass of wine (or three) the night before, accompanied by almost a block of Camembert. ‘What’, I wailed, ‘have I done to my baby?’

And so it began: my journey on the Guilt Trip.

From the moment you find out that you are going to have a baby you turn yourself inside out with guilt; bad eating habits, too much alcohol, too many cigarettes etc. Once you’ve had your baby, you’ll find that there’s a nasty little voice inside your head telling you that you’re just not up to scratch. You seem to be surrounded by mothers (immaculately dressed), who bond with their children immediately: breastfeeding baby in one hand, burping him with the other. All before heading out to the park with the jogger to keep their super slim figures intact!

You, on the other hand, may be struggling with the effects of no sleep; congratulating yourself if you manage to reunite a pair of jeans and t-shirt (and they fit!) and the thought of the park is as welcome as a Caesarean without the epidural! Your reaction? Why, guilt of course. Guilt sets in very quickly and you feel that you’re sentencing your child to a lifetime with you of misery and failure.

Unfortunately, guilt comes as part of the package of maternal life. We love our children so much that we’re desperate to do everything for them. On occasions where we may fall slightly short of parental perfection, we become immediately convinced that our child will suffer. While this is understandable, however, it’s entirely wrong.

The simple fact is that many new mums simply set their sights too high. Perfect parenting is not merely impossible; it simply does not exist. In previous centuries and, indeed, in the early part of this one, there wasn’t the pressure to do everything correctly. Now, however, so-called experts around the world are able to pontificate as to exactly how to parent, producing book upon book of guidelines and tactics. (We’ll gloss over how many of these ‘experts’ don’t actually have children themselves!)

Parenting doesn’t come in kit form. Nor can you study for it and take an exam. Being a mum is simply a learning process and making mistakes is part of that process. Nobody needs to be perfect. The best that anyone can hope for is that you are ‘good enough’. Does this stop us from feeling guilt? Not a hope.

So, what are the main reasons for our feelings of guilt?

Well, one of the most common ways in which we make ourselves feel guilty is by measuring ourselves against others. Mums, for example, who put their children into nursery or daycare, can often feel that they are not spending enough time with them and can feel guilty when listening to a friend, who is a stay-at-home mum, talk about the great time at the park. If this type of guilt affects you, remember that no-one’s life is perfect. Every person’s life has its ups and downs and, the fact that you work may allow you to have great holidays with your child, which perhaps another parent cannot do.

Women, who have been successful in their careers and life before parenthood expect that they will be ‘successful’ as parents and, very often, the normal ups and downs of parenthood are enough to shake their confidence.

Motherhood ‘myths’ can also add to the confusion and pressure. ‘Good’ babies, it is suggested, will sleep all night. So, if your baby doesn’t sleep all night, what does this mean? That you have a ‘bad’ baby? That you are a ‘bad’ mother? Come off it.

Julie Ann Barnhill, author of Motherhood: The Guilt That Keeps On Giving (Harvest House Publishers), talks about the trap of the ‘shoudas‘ – I shoulda stayed at home, I shoulda disciplined differently and so on.

‘Sometimes we respond to ‘shouldas‘ as though they [are] absolute commandments’, she says, ‘thou shalt’, and ‘thou shalt not’. This thinking can really heap on the guilt and, with this type of expectation around, it’s no wonder that we begin to feel that there must be something wrong or lacking in our ability as a mother.’

Setting yourself unreasonable boundaries is another no-no. Before you have a child you may actually think that you won’t be one of those parents, who plonks their child down in front of the TV to keep them occupied. Next thing you know, you have to plonk your child down in front of the TV for ten minutes, simply to give yourself the time to carry out a task. What do you do? You beat yourself up and look for the nearest sackcloth and ashes.

Forget about it! Busy mums have lots to do in the home, as well as for their children. And, sometimes mum can also do with a sit-down and a cup of tea. On any given day, any amount of things can happen and you just have to muddle through as best you can. An extra hour of ‘In the Night Garden’ is not going to put your child off the rails. On the other hand, it may save your sanity!

If you need something more concrete to actually look at then, every evening, write down three positive things that you have done that day as a mum and give yourself a pat on the back for them.

Time to shift the guilt!

• Admit you can’t do it all – no one can!
• When you find yourself thinking ‘I should…’, ask yourself, ‘Who says I should?’
• Give yourself permission to laugh at yourself!
• When you are feeling overwhelmed by guilt feelings, take a deep breath and try to put things in perspective.
• Forgive yourself – let go of resentment you may hold for failing to achieve what you believe you should have as a mother.
• Compliment another mother – look for opportunities to ease someone else’s guilt!