You’ve Changed

There are some words that parents of small children long to hear. They listen, ears ever-alert for those first throaty gurglings that might, with a little artistic licence, be interpreted as a passable ‘Mama’ or ‘Dada’. There may be other words, though, in those early, slightly chaotic, years which are less welcome. Like when your partner says: ‘You’ve changed.’ Of course, there is little doubt that when baby made three, more than the numbers changed in your relationship. A new baby strikes even the healthiest of relationships like a meteor, shunting it into the dust and stars of a new orbit.

So what do you do if your partner utters those dreaded words? The likelihood is you will not have heard them in the calm of an atmospherically-lit sitting-room, glass of wine in hand, soothing music playing in the background. It is far more likely you heard them while standing in your grubby dressing-gown, harried and bleary-eyed, a howling child on your shoulder. Or while struggling red-faced to strap a squirming baby into a car seat. The person, who spoke them, whom you once lovingly described to your friends as your ‘soul-mate’ or ‘The One’, may be standing across from you, equally red-faced and sleep deprived. Those accusations of change may even, dare I suggest it, have been prompted by a few choice utterances of your own, spoken in the heat of the moment.

There is no doubt that, as human beings, we run scared from change. ‘Change’, we think, is a bad thing, and so we toss the word out as an insult. We refuse to accept the changes time brings to our faces and bodies, spending a fortune on the latest age-defying magic potions. Is it any wonder then that we are so afraid of change in our relationships?

It is just possible of course that the words may have been offered as a compliment. You may be one of a minority of parents, who slip into parenthood as if into a comfortable new skin, revelling in your new-found sense of purpose, blossoming in your new role. If so, well, congratulations. It is more likely though that ‘you’ve changed’ means that your partner is feeling that something in the dynamic of your relationship is different since you became a parent.

A baby, of course, does change your life. Some changes are small and some are big. Babies consume an enormous amount of your energy. As every waking moment seems to be directed to one of baby’s endless demands, you will wonder what it was you ever did with your time before. There will be very few candlelit dinners, particularly in those early months.

Still, to borrow from Ovid, ‘all things change, nothing perishes.’ You and your partner are still essentially the same people. Try not to take the accusation of change personally. It is an indication of what you still mean to each other that your partner has registered these changes and wants to discuss them, even if perhaps it could have been raised in a more diplomatic way.

Every relationship is different but, for a start, acknowledge that some aspects of your life together have changed since you became parents. Two in the morning with a screaming child in your arms is not the best time to discuss your feelings for each other. Rather than allowing things to escalate into a full blown argument, arrange a time to talk. This might be a good opportunity to call in one of those offers of babysitting. And, if you never use babysitters, it’s time to ask yourself why not. Do you secretly fear that no one other than you is capable of minding your baby for a few hours? Perhaps not even your partner?

If so, it’s time for a re-think. If you monopolise the care of your baby, not only will you end up frazzled and exhausted, but your partner may very well feel excluded. Making an effort to organise time together as a couple will reassure your partner of your commitment to your relationship. True, you may find yourself planning your dates with military precision, particularly if your baby is very young and you are still breastfeeding, but less spontaneity does not have to mean less romance.

The precise impact a baby has on your lifestyle may depend to a certain extent on what your lifestyle was like before. If your social life was a constant whirlwind of pubs, clubs and parties, then your new life together as parents may very well come as something of a shock. One person in a relationship may adapt to this change more easily than the other. To soften the adjustment, try and keep in touch with your friends as much as possible, both as a couple and as individuals.

Making a baby means making changes. Change, though, need not be the bogey man of your relationship. Becoming parents is not about turning your backs on the old life you had together, but about enjoying a new, albeit busier and more demanding, life together with baby. As Darwin discovered all those years ago, it is neither the strongest nor the most intelligent who survive, but those most adaptable to change. Better therefore to embrace the changes that parenthood brings, rather than fearing them. As the saying goes, ‘if nothing ever changed, there’d be no butterflies.’